Grieving is a long slow process. Any one who has lost any loved one realizes that. However, this blog is about mothers who have lost their children. The “oh so”, unnatural turn around, of the child preceding the mother in death. The mother will carry the weight of this loss for a long time; until her last day.
She will think of that child often. There will be days she will feel her/him standing next to her. Then there will be days she will reach for that child and can’t find them.
Many times that mother will struggle through her sorrow to a more comfortable plateau in her grief journey. Just as a better frame of mind returns, boom!, something kicks the stool out from under and down she goes a notch. Sometimes that tumble takes her down a couple of notches.
Every aspect of that mother’s life is forever changed with the loss of her child. Her daily routine, interaction with the rest of her family, life outside her home, her friends; are all so different.
There is no quick fix for her grief. The day she lost her child is a day forever branded into her mind. The visitation and funeral service can be a little blurry for some. That grave side lowering or the handing over of the vase will never go away. From then on life speeds up, slows down, drags on, then fly’s by without her child.
She is so appreciative of your condolences, prayers, food, cards, and hugs that come at the time of her loss. They mean so much. As time passes on, these tokens of sympathy trickle away. Unfortunately, the pain of her loss continues. On and on! Thus, she needs you to be there for the long haul.
Just as the refrigerator overflows with the hams, meatloaves, fruit and vegetable trays, potato salads, etc. so does your support and compassion. She is given so much in the beginning. But for her, the beginning never seems to end. It stretches on and on. But the support group seems to slowly fall away. After all, how long should one grieve? For the bereaved mother that will always be an unknown.
She needs you not for a short time. She needs you for a long time. Just as too much food starts to dissipate in the refrigerator your empathy for her grieving state of mind tends to wind down. Understand she still needs you long after the food is gone. Days after. Months after. Years after.
Don’t deplete your compassion all at once while it is fresh. Ration it out for the long haul. She will need a little bit of love for a long, long time. They say patience is a virtue. Be virtuous. Allow for a different being to emerge. A transition to a new life without a child involves many new levels of emotions and difficult changes. Plan for this.
Know that you must nurture her as a weak plant that needs your attention for a long time before it begins to perk back up. It has been traumatized. Be kind. Be patient. She needs a little for a short time and a lot for a long time.
Joan E.
Find more helpful hints in our book “Softening the Grief”
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