It is the custom after the death of a loved one for friends, relatives and neighbors to come bearing food for the grieving. Casseroles, vegetables, soups, salads, meats and desserts are dropped off to ease the chore of feeding all those who drop by to offer condolences. However, sometimes the lineup of edibles is far more abundant than can be consumed in the amount of time it remains fresh enough to serve. The same is true as beautiful flowers arrive and then begin to wilt before our eyes and the unfortunate process begins of throwing them out one by one.
I am reminded of the way the grieving are also treated. The offers of condolences come in abundance in the beginning and then slowly disappear. Others are able to return to the normalcy of their lives in a short period after making the obligatory and respectful offerings of food, flowers, etc. We (the grieving) need you- friends, relatives, neighbors- through a long drawn out period of griving.
Our fears, loneliness, nightmares won’t go away in a short time. The entire dynamics of our lives have been changed. We live in constant pain knowing our loved one will never be with us again. Grieving is a long slow process..
Instead of all those casseroles that will unfortunately go to waste or the flowers thrown away; one could bring coffee, paper towels, or even toilet paper. Understand that grieving will last a long, long time. We will need compassion, understanding and patience, while traveling a seemingly never ending highway of grief. Remember this, just like the casseroles versus the coffee, the grieving need a little for a short time and a lot for a long time.
The process of mourning a truly loved one (especially a child) is not a sprint to the end; it is a lifelong marathon. The grieving need those in their life to be with us for the duration. There are too many times when friends and even relatives shirk away from the bereaved. They cannot possibly understand the magnitude of such a loss and how it can change a person. It is so hard to be able to handle the long term effects the loss of a special loved one has on the grieving.
A long journey it is. Save a casserole for 3 months down the road. Bring brownies 6 months after the loss. Make contact to share a cup of coffee a year later. Talk to them when they want to. Just sit with them. Hug them. Listen.
Someone who has lost someone very close to them finds it hard to reach out to others. Sometimes they cannot. They do not know how. There is a desire to, but some are so mired in their grief, they are afraid the strange and unpredictable person they have become will alienate you.
Therefore, it will be your job not to shirk away from them but to reach out. They may not answer the phone. Talking to someone when their heart is broken is a challenge. Take them to a quite place. Not a party where laughter is the theme. (If you can get them out of the house.) Take baby steps. To them, their whole world suffered an earthquake. You must pull them to the other side. (Gently). Never give up though. Keep working on that cup of coffee. Slowly they will cross that fissure. You must understand when their loved one is gone, it will take a while for happiness to return. Therefore, it is your job to not let them fall deeper and deeper into despair, you must slowly pull them out of the deepening hole of depression or anxiety. At this point plenty of coffee (you brought in the beginning) should be left over for a good talk and perhaps a paper towel for a chocolate brownie to lay on. As my friend says, “Toilet paper always unrolls slowly in the beginning and picks up speed toward the end.” That’s grief. In the beginning one is numbed by grief and then as it unfolds in the days and months to follow it seems to become overwhelming. The grieving hope like the roll of toilet paper it picks up speed and reaches an end. For most, there never is an end. We just try to keep moving, hoping the roll gets smaller so as not to consume us. Unfortunately it just does not work out that way. We will always need the coffee and paper towels long after the casseroles or flowers are long gone. Realize there may not be an immediate response from us. Your efforts at not leaving us behind during this grieving marathon, however, will help more than you will ever know. Our hearts will remember you.
Joan E. Markwell
